SHITTEST TOYS EVER: PART ONE



After stumbling across a 'Baby's First Baby' doll, complete with total pregnancy inception (i.e baby, pregnant with pregnant baby), I was  more than ready to prep my bunker for what obviously was Armageddon.  Fortunately, it was merely the artistic genius of Darren Cullen making a very apt observation on teen pregnancy and its commodification via shows such as 'Teen Mom'. But before you take your bookmarker out of Revelations, here are few real life toys that really might signify that the end is nigh: 

We should have all known that the 'Baby's first baby' doll was a hoax really. The promise of 'cravings and stretch marks' could perhaps fool the more gullible of us, but we most certainly should have cottoned on by the 'Twin babies' edition advertised on the back; "each twin pregnant with its own set of pregnant twins". The terrifying thing is, as an apparently educated 21 year old I was already thumbing through my purse to purchase this horrifically misinformed biology lesson for the sheer lulz. But alas, my dreams of buying this for a cousins 6th birthday just to see what an aunt would make of it will never come true. But they can come close. Below are some truly terrifying creations that are surely ruining childhoods in a town hear you. And if not suitably terrifying, just really really shit. Presenting; The shittest toys ever: Part one (you'd be surprised how many there are): 



And these didn't even make the list...




















My first cleaning trolley 
Toys are often used to aid in actualising the future ambitions of  children. So put down that lasso, little Wonder Woman. Take off the stethoscope, young surgeon. With 'My Cleaning Trolley', girls can act out their wildest housewife dreams. And don't worry lads, the box boasts a 'Girls Only' warning label, so you won't have to worry about making any sandwiches (all the pre-school cooking sets aimed at little girls ensure that) or participating in any house work ever again. I can only assume the 'Let us cleaning' message scrawled on the box's front is a horrific omen of the bad grammar that will ensue as a generation of girls abandon school work for prepubescent housewifery. 





Gelli Baff
Not only is this 'toy' essentially sitting in a bath made of gooey shit, it seemingly spawns the offspring of Beelzebub. 


















Stretch Armstrong 
Essentially a glorified piece of blue tack with the face of a toothy, bum-chinned German etched on. 




Lil Monkey Doll
Lil Monkey doll caused quite the stir at its Costco d├ębut a few years back. But perhaps we should be grateful for small mercies, like the fact it didn't come with a fried chicken bucket or a knife? 



Playmobil Security Check point

You know what's fun kids? The Police state! Coming soon: Playmobil Stop and Search kit. 






Pole dance doll
Complete with crumpled £5 notes, 'making it clap' action, meth addiction and simulated crying at the end of each shift! 




Fish preparation toy

Though the targeted demographic of this toy probably do not eat solid food yet, it allows them to live out their fishmonger dreams of filleting fish. 





Moxie Girlz Poopsy pets 

Like me, these dolls pets literally shit glitter. But you don't see me going on about it. Other than walking a pet koala (on a leash might I add) that literally shits rubies, and then proceeding to feed aforementioned priceless shit back to them repeatedly, there is absolutely nothing to see here. 







Gasoline powered Audi for two
Widening the class divide and keeping toddler plebeians in their place from ages 3+. Wonder if they come with itty bitty kiddy sized DUI, necessary with the way this generation is shaping up.


Growing up Skipper
'Instant tits' Skipper as I like to call her unfortunately omits the pimples, periods and general other pubertyish bullshit that comes with them tig ol' biddies she's just acquired. Also, it doesn't particularly enthuse a child to the idea of 'growin' up' since it also appears to come with a disproportionate lengthening of the torso, terrible hair and her new rack being pretty pointy and generally shite.  

WTF? I thought I was supposed to improve!


Pro thumb wrestling ring
Toy manufacturers will actually go to the lengths of making an innocent free game of thumb wars more uncomfortable, expensive and difficult to play with the inclusion of an entirely obsolete 'Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring'. Long live capitalism. 


Spiderman Adventure Hero
Otherwise known as 'Spiderman Identity Crisis' or 'Spiderman Village People Edition'. Peter Parker (obviously disillusioned with the Superhero lifestyle) has decided to double up on the costume fun. Its costume inception! Spiderman, dressed as a fire-fighter...how much more super-er can a super hero get?  


Lego Friends
Silly girls. Did you not hear me before? "LET US CLEANING' I said! But just in case you silly double x chromosome having sissys get the wrong idea and try to be architects or something, here's a Lego Friends set that will make damn sure that will never happen. Dubbed as Lego for girls, it appears that the lack of a ballsack also means a lack of basic building skills and the set has been subsequently dumbed down in comparison to original Lego sets. 


Baby born wedding super deluxe set 
This is literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I have no idea why everyone was so outraged at the idea of 'Babys first baby' when they thought it was real, because this most certainly is. Logically speaking, 'Baby's first baby' would merely be the sequel to this diabolical doll. 


Monkey Apptivity
Bona fide winner of 2012's worst toy the year award , you don't have to stretch the imagination very far to see why; This stuffed monkey has a fucking Iphone in lieu of a heart.


The Breast Milk Baby
Now kids can feign lactation by holding a plastic baby to their concave chests and 'chest feeding'. Absolute lol.


Children's Touch Screen ATM Bank
Training our yuppies of tomorrow on the riveting action of withdrawing funds. Increasing your child's Patrick Bateman potential tenfold!

Children's ATM Toy Spits Out Real Cash

Pet Rock
"Stay boy! Gooooood boy. Play dead boy! Goooood boy! Now, roll over boy. Roll over boy! Roll over...Go, on. Roll over...." 




Next time on Shittest toys ever: a wanking Tarzan doll and several unintentional dildos. Stay tuned!



21 comments:

  1. this post just reminded me soo much of my childhood. I miss my barbies and JI Joes.
    New follower :)
    Issie xox

    http://issie-fashion.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. Hahahahhaha!! Are all these toys real? I feel like most of them are just jokes! Loved your blog and can't wait to see your next posts!

    Oh, I just started following you by the way! Hope you come by my blog! Would love to know what you think about it, and maybe follow me back if you like it?

    These are my links hun <3:
    Instant Milk link
    Facebook page link
    Bloglovin link

    xx

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    Replies
    1. I can assure you, every single one (bar the stripper doll which I'm not actually 100% on lol) is REAL. But the fact you thought they weren't just shows how monstrous they are!

      Now following! x

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  3. love this pics and also your blog! It's so nice!!! ! I'm thinking, if you want, we can follow each other! It would be great!!
    http://www.borsadimarypoppins.com/
    xoxo Gloria

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  4. OMG! Someone are more monsters than dolls :D
    Cute blog, What about following each other through GFC and Bloglovin?? Just let me know!
    Xxx

    Carolina

    www.the-world-c.blogspot.com

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  5. Hahhaha this made me laugh so much!! I love your blog!! x

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! Par two coming soon! x :)

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  6. Hilarious!*
    Well done doll!*

    xXx

    luxachic.com

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  7. LOL this is funny! Can't believe some of these are actually real.
    I love your style of writing! New follower :)

    x
    www.lilmissbuttercup.com

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    Replies
    1. Thanks very much! Following back x

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  8. LOL! Oh my goodness! The number of shocking toys out there is ridiculous! And this is part one you said?? Dearie dearie me!!

    www.lilactintedviews.blogspot.co.uk

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    Replies
    1. Terrifying, I know. Part two is only slightly worse ;) lol x

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  9. This post was so funny, you're a great writer. I'm so happy you commented on my blog so i could discover you. Can't wait for part 2 x

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  10. Nice post fredaidehen.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete